the unknown

so much can change in the blink of an eye. within 12 hours i lost my job, had to give up my amazing place in Healdsburg, and the path i was on disappeared in front of me. i spent two days feeling sorry for myself. but then i remembered that this is not that bad. at least i can still breathe on my own, i can walk my dog, i can whip up something spectacular in the kitchen, and i still have my wits about me. but still, a blow to the ego is definitely one doesn't get over very easily.

i'm now faced with the undaunting task of packing everything in my house and setting out on the road for California. i am excited to be headed to California, don't get me wrong. i cannot wait to spend time with my friends and my family and to be able to start planting myself there. but the unknown still looms over my head. for now, the unknown is - where will i lay my head at night and where will i spend my brain power during the day. 

it's scary. it really is scary. i'm almost 40 years old, and i have no fucking clue as to what i am going to do for the next 10 years, let alone 2 months. i am responsible only for my dog, to make sure she is safe and secure and happy. but she is generally perceived to be a mean vicious animal so i have to also work to persuade people to give her a chance. i am responsible for this house here in Texas, to make sure i own up to the debt i have incurred by signing my name 17 gazillion times in June 2009. but the bank is still not sure what they want to do with me, so i have to sit and wait until they are persuaded to understand my situation and accept that i do want to make good on my debt and allow me to do so. i am responsible to myself, to make sure that my mental state doesn't dip into the depths of despair. but it's hard when you send out over 30 resumes in one week (2 of them to friends) and you hear nothing back. still, i must have faith.

i must have faith and believe that this altering of my path was something that was supposed to happen to lead me to a stronger more challenging and more beneficial road. while i stand here at the crossroads having no clue as to which direction to take let along which map to look at - i must have faith that everything happens for a reason. and yes, i must retain that faith even though i am scared as hell to leap, i have to take this journey.

the two biggest questions today? 
1) do i sell the desktop and invest in a laptop so i can stay connected easily in these next steps? 
2) do i plan on taking the north trek or the south trek to get back to California?

ahhh the unknown - the questions can be so simple and sound so trivial, but the answers can shape the direction of the path you are on. it's scary. very very scary. who knows what will happen... that is why it is called the unknown.