semi unplugged

ahhh... the joys of being semi-unplugged. and by that i mean no TV, internet only on a teeny tiny computer and on my phone, and cell coverage is spotty at best. to make up for the lack of cluttering noise there are the other noises that we probably miss in the "very plugged in world." here are a few...

• the wind through the various trees is pretty magical - the oak, the eucalyptus, the pine tree. 
• the hummingbird's wings sound like a gigantic fly as they buzz your head going in and out of the trellis on the porch.
• the clink of the tags on the dog's collar as she hangs out in the grass, crawls under the porch, or decides to pounce on what she hopes is the gopher she has been chasing for 3 days.
• the cows mooing. yes, i can hear cows mooing. i'm not kidding. it's like they are saying hi. 
• birds chirping - and different birds at that. there is the "who?" of the owl, the chirp chirp of those tiny little birds that flit about the ground, the sing song-y sounds of some other sort of bird in the trees, the list of bird sounds goes on.

it's nice, not having TV. i have been working on a project that i have been wanting to tackle for many years. the project will hopefully turn into a book of some sort (more on that to come). and the lack of a boob tube means that after reading for a few hours, one gets sleepy around 9pm, goes to bed and then gets up with the sun. kind of like camping. or "glamping" as my friend Lara calls it - since there is a full fledged kitchen and electricity. 

the quiet is not always so quiet but it is definitely more quiet than i have experienced in years. shhh!!!

the unknown

so much can change in the blink of an eye. within 12 hours i lost my job, had to give up my amazing place in Healdsburg, and the path i was on disappeared in front of me. i spent two days feeling sorry for myself. but then i remembered that this is not that bad. at least i can still breathe on my own, i can walk my dog, i can whip up something spectacular in the kitchen, and i still have my wits about me. but still, a blow to the ego is definitely one doesn't get over very easily.

i'm now faced with the undaunting task of packing everything in my house and setting out on the road for California. i am excited to be headed to California, don't get me wrong. i cannot wait to spend time with my friends and my family and to be able to start planting myself there. but the unknown still looms over my head. for now, the unknown is - where will i lay my head at night and where will i spend my brain power during the day. 

it's scary. it really is scary. i'm almost 40 years old, and i have no fucking clue as to what i am going to do for the next 10 years, let alone 2 months. i am responsible only for my dog, to make sure she is safe and secure and happy. but she is generally perceived to be a mean vicious animal so i have to also work to persuade people to give her a chance. i am responsible for this house here in Texas, to make sure i own up to the debt i have incurred by signing my name 17 gazillion times in June 2009. but the bank is still not sure what they want to do with me, so i have to sit and wait until they are persuaded to understand my situation and accept that i do want to make good on my debt and allow me to do so. i am responsible to myself, to make sure that my mental state doesn't dip into the depths of despair. but it's hard when you send out over 30 resumes in one week (2 of them to friends) and you hear nothing back. still, i must have faith.

i must have faith and believe that this altering of my path was something that was supposed to happen to lead me to a stronger more challenging and more beneficial road. while i stand here at the crossroads having no clue as to which direction to take let along which map to look at - i must have faith that everything happens for a reason. and yes, i must retain that faith even though i am scared as hell to leap, i have to take this journey.

the two biggest questions today? 
1) do i sell the desktop and invest in a laptop so i can stay connected easily in these next steps? 
2) do i plan on taking the north trek or the south trek to get back to California?

ahhh the unknown - the questions can be so simple and sound so trivial, but the answers can shape the direction of the path you are on. it's scary. very very scary. who knows what will happen... that is why it is called the unknown.

being loved

4 years ago on Thursday i had the privilege of meeting the love of my life, Debra Jean. while our road has been very bumpy these past 4 years, i am truly appreciative of what i have today. and today is all that really matters anyways. 

i bought a house for us - which she eventually moved out of, i still own, and am way behind on my payments. but this house has taught me that money isn't everything. i have cleaned out my savings account for this house. i have learned the not so joyous joys of owning your own home. i have put up with the HOA and their ridiculous unwritten rules. i have realized that while 5 years ago my dream was to own my own home, i've accomplished that dream and i'm not so sure i want to return to owning my own home anytime in the near future.

the house is the reason i stayed in Texas. and because i stayed in Texas, i truly discovered what it means to love someone with every ounce of your being. if i had not owned this home, i would have packed the car up the first time we broke up and driven back to California. i wouldn't have started the catering business. i wouldn't have met Susie & Kathy. i wouldn't have gotten a dog. but most importantly, i never would have found the desire to rekindle what we had lost in that break-up. 

it's no secret that we broke up and my heart felt like it would never mend. it's also no secret that during one of our longer break-ups, i had another girlfriend. but after all of those heart breaking moments and through all the tears, i have come to one conclusion - Debra Jean is the only one for me. 

here i sit, about 42 days from leaving Texas. and while my heart aches at the thought of not having her right down the street from me every day, i know that the decision i have made to move is a good decision. i know this because she supports that decision. and it is with her support that i have the courage to leave this state and move closer to my family. because i know, in my heart of hearts, that no matter where i go she will always be the love of my life. and my hope is that i will always be hers, and that one day she will come and be with me in California. 

a quote i heard the other day says it all:
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.