writing just because

it's been a long while since i've written. i'm starting to kind of look at this blog like a journal. i know that's not what blogs are for, but i'm not planning on sharing my innermost secrets with the world wide web. just some of my thoughts. and besides, rarely write in my journal, so why not just rarely write here and see what comes of it.


i must confess something. every day i take some time to reflect on either the day ahead or the day that just happened. this typically happens while i'm in the shower - so sometimes i take a shower in the morning and sometimes at night. it all depends on what the day or night entails. i guess this is a product of not having a "real" job, which some of you would deem as a luxury. i just deem it as my way of life these days.


anyways, every day i take some time to reflect. and it's always at these times that i feel i have my most brilliant ideas for my blog (which i obviously don't get down on paper). and then there are other points throughout the day where i feel i have more brilliance pop up - like today, while i was in a movie theater watching The Help or sometimes while i'm doing dishes. i forget to write a lot of this brilliance down, so i end up sitting here with a blinking cursor wondering what i should write. then i give up and just go do something else, like look at Saveur emails and dream of ways to be able to afford that amazing leg of lamb so i can roast it for 6 hours in my oven without heating my house up too much. 


whatever the circumstances, i do often think of writing and i often just forget what it is i should write about. so i have decided to make a list of a few of the ideas i think i can remember... please feel free to comment and add to or whatever you want. i may come back here and write more or i may just disappear for another 6 months. who knows. we can only hope that i will add some semblance of structure to my nonchalant days and discipline myself into writing more. when i'm scraping by for topics, i'm hopefully going to remember to turn to this entry and find something to write about.


* passion
* crazy looks people give you
* my grandparents
* doing nothing, literally
* goal-oriented (and something my mom said to me today about me always being goal oriented when i thought all along it was something i learned from my parents)
* getting caught up with the computer world
* reading books versus reading via a hand held computer device
* dogs 
* finding gifts
* smoking and not smoking
* our senses (not just the 5 we learn about in school)
* social circles  
* full potential


ok... that's it for now. stay tuned for more info on all of those topics and maybe more. feel free to make your own list of what you want to hear from me. or feel free to just stop reading this blog all together because you find the topics above boring and non-creative. but let me warn you... my creative juices are flowing these days. i think it's because i quit smoking and now i'm on the warpath for a new goal. you'll have to read more (if i write more, that is) to find out.
 

applying for jobs online

i don't recall there being so many administrative job sites the last time i was seeking employment in the administrative world. i think that must have been 2005 when i hated my job at an accounting firm and wanted anything else that could fill my days. i remember applying for numerous jobs via employment websites but i also remember getting numerous responses from my applications. today, the circumstances are quite different.

first of all, there seems to be over 100 sites dedicated to finding that qualified administrative candidate the position of their dreams. i'm not talking monster.com or career builder or any of those sites. i am speaking of the sites specifically designed for administrative folks - like administrativejobs.com. i have had the pleasure (note the sarcasm) of visiting a number of these sites over the past week. and as an experienced administrative assistant (over 19 years of experience that is) i can honestly say these sites were not designed by anyone in the administrative field.

by nature i believe that admin folk, such as myself, tend to be organized individuals who are driven to find the answers quickly. in my experience as an assistant i have often been asked to complete the most daunting of tasks in a timeframe more suited for a super-human. unfortunately these websites are not designed for anyone to accomplish anything quickly or in any sort of an organized fashion. instead trying to apply for one job leads you to 2-3 different sites, all of which you need to sign up for something and register yourself and type your resume into their forms and then upload your resume in specific formats (none of which are the same). by the end of the process you are still unclear as to if you actually applied for a job or not.

all in all, i am most frustrated with this inane way of trying to gain employment. i'm starting to think i may be better off spending my time writing letters to the corporations running these websites with suggestions on how to streamline the process for users, such as myself. either that or figure out how to get the government to pay me for identifying scam artists who want me to help them cash that big check and then wire part of the money to some random person before the check clears my bank account.

SIDENOTE - i know this post is not the most organized or well written. i'm exhausted after a crazy catering weekend followed by a crazy spring storm last night. but my mom wanted to know why i hadn't written anything as of late and this is the first thing that came to mind. i promise to be more on my game as the week progresses and my sleep increases.

Saving Money

For those of you who don't know, I have a dog. She's a 65 lb pit bull rescued from the Dallas SPCA. Her name is BeBe. Now BeBe is a lovebug and while I do like it when she sleeps in my bed, she does tend to stretch out her 5 ft frame and take up a majority of the middle of the bed, leaving me with a portion of the side. To avoid uncomfortable sleeping arrangements, I bought her a doggie bed about 7 months ago. Well, her 65 lbs of goodness have smooshed that bed so she really ends up sleeping in the middle of some cushy stuff but on the floor. I felt bad (yes, I love my dog that much) so I was trying to find some sort of a dog bed that would withstand her 65 lbs but also last for longer than 7 months. 

I started my search at this Texas store called Garden Ridge. The place is insane. It's massive. It has everything you would need to decorate your home and your garden. And then it has some more stuff. In my search, I discovered that most dog beds that are cushy just don't withstand a lot of weight. Personally, I think this is discriminatory against the larger dogs, but who am I to say anything. I thought I'd try to go to a Good Will store and find an old couch cushion  to put under her existing bed, but then who wants an old couch cushion in their bedroom? I mean, why did someone throw it away? Did the cat puke on it and they cleaned it up as best they could and then donate it? Who knows.

So before heading out to buy some germinated couch cushion from the Good Will, I asked a number of my fellow dog owners at the dog park for some ideas. I received an array of ideas which included (but are not limited to):

Papasan Chair Cushions 

Fill the existing bed with more pillow filler

Use foam for under the pillow 

Buy a Chaise Lounge cover and use that

And the best idea of all... Refill the existing bed with shredded newspaper.

Since the last idea was the only idea that did not involve spending a single dime, I tried it. Now, for those of you who may want to take this route the next time you need to fill a dog bed, may I suggest doing it in your garage? Because it does make quite a bit of a mess. But the results are perfect. BeBe will be sleeping on a cushy bed this evening and it won't be mine! 

And that is my money saved idea for the day. Woo Hoo!!!

it's been a week, where are you?

my mom sent me a comment on my blog asking me where i am. call it guilt but we all learned at a young age that when mom asks you to do something pretty easy you should probably just do it instead of complaining. so here i am. no complaining, just writing. that isn't to say that my writing won't be all happy-happy-joy-joy-full-of-positivity because honestly, today was one of those crappy days. you know - the ones where you wake up and all seems to be going just fine and then one small thing sets you off on the wrong foot and then all the other little things that happen probably pretty regularly just seem to be gargantuous in size and therefore really irritate you? well, that was today.

i won't bore you with the details, because honestly looking back it really isn't anything to complain about. i'm just feeling down these days and a little un-needed in this society. i actually feel like i'm a burden most of the time. i mean, i am collecting unemployment. don't get me wrong, i don't sit around all day watching tv and eating bon bons. i apply for jobs left and right. the best ones are the ones that sound so great and then you realize it's a scam. i'm getting really good at identifying the scam emails. you would think they would mix it up a bit. i mean at least change up the "application" or something so each one doesn't ask the same exact questions. and what's with the military question? if i'm in the military or any member of my family was or is in the military does that mean you are going to not pick me to be duped by your stupid brain plot of sending me a fake check, having me cash it at my bank and then wire funds to someone living in the same zip code as you all before my bank figures out that it's a fake check? hell, i can figure out it's a fake check. see that part at the top that says "this check should have a watermark on the back" in small writing? well, that means that if it was real it would have a watermark on the back. i just feel sorry for the poor putz who actually falls for this sort of thing. and no, i didn't fall for this so this is not why i'm pissy today.

i guess i'm pissy today because this job search is just futile. i apply for positions that i am perfect for and never hear from the companies. or i hear from them within 24 hours with a "thanks, but no thanks" note. the irony of it all is that i really don't want to work for anyone else. unfortunately for me my catering business is not taking off. i am about 5 days away from baking up a storm and just slutting myself from business to business in some tight pants and low cut neckline to stand in a parking lot and hand out baked goods to all the fat executive men who get out of their BMW's and Lexus' and maybe, just maybe one of them will hire me to cater one of their poker parties. 

now i'm just ranting. my apologies. 

on a good note, my sister (in actuality she is my step-sister but she really isn't step anything because she's just my sister) is in town. i'm picking her up tomorrow and get to hang out with her for about 24 hours. she's here for work but extended her stay so she can hang out with me, meet BeBe and let me show her what little i know of Texas. it will definitely be nice to see her and catch up over a glass of wine. damn, it will just be nice to talk to someone other than my dog park friends. i mean, i love my dog park friends but i really need to find a life out here. i need some diversity... and i need to get the hell out of this suburb i live in. so today, i throw to the universe a request - please let all the pieces fall where they may but keep in mind it would be really cool to meet some wonderful couple who has a guest house in which they need me and my dog to occupy so i can be their private chef. and it would be really cool if that house was located somewhere in the Bishop Arts section of Dallas. it doesn't hurt to ask, right?

about time, right?

i guess i need to get on here more. i honestly don't know what has been keeping me occupied these past couple of weeks, but obviously i haven't been in the mood to write. but today i jumped onto blogspot to check out if my mom had posted and realized it's been 2 weeks since i had posted so i should say something.

not much going on around here. we have gone through what people tell me is Texas weather - 30 degrees one day and 80 the next. i'm waiting for our spring stormy season when the skies turn dark and the lightening comes and the dog freaks out as the heavens open and god throws buckets at us. i think my roses are waiting for that day too. 

in other news, i am finally roommate-less. i am extremely ecstatic about this because it means i get my guest bedroom back. of course my checkbook has other emotions as the dollars dwindle down and we await someone from the bank to tell us we can cut our house payment in half. until then, i am procrastinating doing my taxes (i fear i am going to owe the government some cash) and just hoping and praying that the process with the underwriter does not take as long as it could. 

as we enter into March i have to say that i am saying goodbye to February with joy. February was a hard month for me... not only did i start the month with a nasty roommate departure (who still continues to harass me with phone calls and text messages) but Valentine's Day is in there and what would have been some 2 year anniversaries if DJ and i were still together scatter the calendar. so you take those things and add to that the fact that my A/C unit needed it's coil replaced (thank GOD it was under warranty or that would have been a $2K expense), the fact that the downstairs toilet seems to not want to balance properly no matter how many adjustments i make, the fact that my washer squeaks when running and the fact that my refrigerator seems to be wanting to make its presence known to all who are even remotely near it with the noises it exudes. yeah... i'm ready for something better in March. 

and here is what i have to look forward to so far: the hysterically small farmer's market in Grand Prairie opens this Saturday, i have a lunch scheduled for next week, my sister comes to visit next week for about 48 hours, and my mom is coming mid-month to hang out for 2 weeks. and then in early April, Susie has blocked my calendar for some jobs. hopefully those jobs will equal income that will either pay the tax man or buy me the materials to build some raised beds out back for gardens. i mean, if the price of produce is going to sky rocket, then we better grow some of our own, right??

happy March, y'all.

where the title comes from

i thought i should explain myself. i chose the title for this blog because truly, this is not the life i thought i would be leading when i was growing up. hell, this isn't the life i thought i would be leading when i left SF in September of 2009. but here i am. 

i always thought i'd have the happy family life, a couple of kids (ok, i really wanted 7) running around the yard, a friendly dog and a wonderful loving partner. i wanted to be a mother and a "domestic goddess." i wanted the garden in the back, and the kids riding their bikes to school and coming home to do their homework. i wanted to fill my mornings with picking up laundry and planning dinner. yes, i wanted all those tasks. but that's not what i got. 

and that's not to say what i got is a bad thing - i don't mean that at all. it's just not what i planned. i didn't plan to be out of work and scraping by to find the money for the house payment. i didn't plan to be in a huge house without a partner. i didn't plan to be childless at 37. (i wanted to be done having kids by 35! ha ha!!!) but here i am. an unemployed 37-year-old with too much experience on her resume to find a job and a desire to make this catering business a true business which reaps income that pays all the bills. 

i am struggling - financially and emotionally. but who isn't struggling these days? i find myself lucky, in fact. i am lucky to not be in a loveless marriage with no way out. i am lucky to have a roof over my head and food in my refrigerator. i am lucky to have the courage to try and make this business work. and more than anything, i am lucky to have friends in almost every state of the US who provide me with the inspiration to continue doing what i am doing. 

who knows what this next year will bring, but i am excited to find out. i am excited to test myself and very excited to succeed in my adventures. i am not looking forward to the failures that will come along the way, but i will embrace them as they pass by. 

now - this posting is pretty cheesy and really not what i would write normally, but i thought i would add a little bit of positivity to this blog. it's almost a reminder to myself to stay strong and true to myself and retain the self-confidence that brought me here. i need to dig deep these next few weeks and bring that self-confidence to the forefront again. so stay tuned for postings on my trials and tribulations of doing just that.

stuffy nose

yup. i woke up with a stuffy achy head yesterday and today again. i am determined to beat this thing down with vitamins and liquids. that and a hopeful visit to the chiropractor. for some reason a chiropractic adjustment seems to help the stuffed sinuses. maybe it releases them, who knows. but for me it works. and since i don't have medical insurance, it will definitely be better than being completely hyped up on nyquil and dayquil for the rest of the week. and yes, for all you moms out there, i am taking my vitamins and eating a lot of soup. i promise.

i am also drinking a ton of liquids. so much, in fact, that it makes me wonder why one should drink so many liquids. i seriously got out of bed last night 4 times to pee. that does not mean i got a good night's sleep. so if you are supposed to drink all these liquids, and you are supposed to get lots of rest, how do those two go together? granted, i did crawl into bed around 9pm and got out of bed at 9am, but still. it just doesn't make sense to me.

in other news, the weather here is quite nippy but the sun is out. they say we're going to have a "thawing" weekend which i am all over. i think it may be time to seriously start planning the garden. i need to buy some wood, figure out how much soil i will need, and figure out how much it will all cost. and then i will need to convince some friends (maybe those of you out of work??) to come on over and help build some raised beds. i just hope i can figure out the whole timing thing. the season thing is new to this CA girl. but i'll get it down and in doing so, i will definitely have some kick-ass tomatoes this year. 

happy thursday everyone.

impending weather leads to ridiculous shopping

it's supposed to snow tomorrow. well, tonight and through tomorrow. and for us living in North Texas that means you stay in and don't go out. don't get me wrong, we aren't getting like 10 inches of snow or more like my friends in the Eastern and Northern states are getting. but here in Texas driving becomes treacherous when there are 2 inches. i guess we just don't have the equipment for it. which is the same for my household because we ended up shoveling the snow off the driveway with a regular shovel, and then ice picking the ice that was below the snow with a hoe and pitchfork. it was a very tedious job and my joints still ache, but we did it! still, it just goes to show you that here in Texas not only do the public transportation teams not have the appropriate equipment to handle a snow storm, but neither do the citizens. i did swear (while "hoeing the driveway") that if it snows again next winter, i am buying a snow shovel. it's not supposed to snow here during the winter, but this is the second year in a row my street has looked like a picture of Denver, CO. 

all of this to lead to my shopping story. wow... i truly do need to edit. but this is my blog and i'm just going to go with it.

my shopping trip was to go to the dollar store to get some Epson salt. according to my military neighbor, Kevin, it's the cheapest and easiest way to de-ice your driveway. you can get a 1/2 gallon sized carton of Epson salt at the dollar store for $3. he said i would only need 1/2  the carton, so i bought 2 cartons. of course while i was there i had to look at the other deals and ended up with some small picture frames. i had to replace the picture frame that asshole roommate broke and never replaced. (he's another subject for another blog.) and why not buy a few more to house some of the photos that i have so i can add something to my walls. after my purchases of salt and frames - the dollar store run (which was planned to be about $5) turned into $14.07.

then on to the grocery store. i have this new found love with cream cheese. i have it on my bagel or bran muffin every morning. and i am down to very little and did not want to get caught in a snow storm without - so Tom Thumb here i come. that trip which was planned to cost only $6 turned into $38.12. yes. i decided while at the grocery store that in order to make it feel warmer than the estimated 37 degrees, i would make carnitas tacos this week. that doesn't take into account that i already went to the grocery store over the weekend and my fridge has a ton of food in it waiting to be cooked. but now i have one more meal to add to the menu for the week.

of course with carnitas tacos, one must have the best tortillas which cannot be found at Tom Thumb. they are found at the Mexican bakery/tacqueria near my house. so i headed there to pick up some tortillas. now, 20 tortillas are only $2. but i was hungry so i bought what i thought was a burrito but turned into an extra large taco and my total at Marquez was $7.39.

all in all, i was not frugal by any means today with my shopping trip. and i never did find firewood. it seems Grand Prairie is out of firewood at all locations. i could have added to that Tom Thumb bill and spent $22 on 6 of those duraflame type logs that supposedly burn for 3 hours. but no, i couldn't justify spending that. besides, i just spent $59.58 on what was going to be an $11 outing. wow. now if i could only find that firewood guy...

stranded

it's funny. i've been wanting to re-start a blog for awhile now but nothing kicked me into high gear until today. for some reason, the stars aligned or something. and now that i start to write, the song playing is Shawn Colvin "Stranded." and that's pretty much where i find myself these days. maybe that's not the most positive word to describe my state of being, but it does kind of encompass how i got here.

for those of you who don't know - i am in Texas and unfortunately, i'm not in Austin. i'm not even in a city - but instead a suburb called Grand Prairie. i'm not really sure how grand this place is. it's pretty mundane. the houses are all the same, the communities are all pretty much young straight couples with new babies and young professionals. the only cool people i have found are the people who work at the grocery store or a good percentage of dog park people. but for the most part, the people in these parts are very small-minded and very self absorbed. needless to say i am here until at least June 2012. i'm not sure where the world will take me after that, but as soon as i can afford to put my house on the market i will. i want out of suburbia and back to something closer to the city, closer to culture, closer to some semblance of intelligent life-forms. 

for those of you who do live here in Grand Prairie and find my posting offensive, i extend my apologies. if you consider me a friend, chances are i consider you a friend as well and therefore you don't fall into any of the aforementioned categories. but if you are easily offended by my frustrations then you probably shouldn't read my blog. i'm just saying...

more later - and yes, it will be more positive as the blog progresses. you just caught me in an off-mood at this hour.