semi unplugged

ahhh... the joys of being semi-unplugged. and by that i mean no TV, internet only on a teeny tiny computer and on my phone, and cell coverage is spotty at best. to make up for the lack of cluttering noise there are the other noises that we probably miss in the "very plugged in world." here are a few...

• the wind through the various trees is pretty magical - the oak, the eucalyptus, the pine tree. 
• the hummingbird's wings sound like a gigantic fly as they buzz your head going in and out of the trellis on the porch.
• the clink of the tags on the dog's collar as she hangs out in the grass, crawls under the porch, or decides to pounce on what she hopes is the gopher she has been chasing for 3 days.
• the cows mooing. yes, i can hear cows mooing. i'm not kidding. it's like they are saying hi. 
• birds chirping - and different birds at that. there is the "who?" of the owl, the chirp chirp of those tiny little birds that flit about the ground, the sing song-y sounds of some other sort of bird in the trees, the list of bird sounds goes on.

it's nice, not having TV. i have been working on a project that i have been wanting to tackle for many years. the project will hopefully turn into a book of some sort (more on that to come). and the lack of a boob tube means that after reading for a few hours, one gets sleepy around 9pm, goes to bed and then gets up with the sun. kind of like camping. or "glamping" as my friend Lara calls it - since there is a full fledged kitchen and electricity. 

the quiet is not always so quiet but it is definitely more quiet than i have experienced in years. shhh!!!

the unknown

so much can change in the blink of an eye. within 12 hours i lost my job, had to give up my amazing place in Healdsburg, and the path i was on disappeared in front of me. i spent two days feeling sorry for myself. but then i remembered that this is not that bad. at least i can still breathe on my own, i can walk my dog, i can whip up something spectacular in the kitchen, and i still have my wits about me. but still, a blow to the ego is definitely one doesn't get over very easily.

i'm now faced with the undaunting task of packing everything in my house and setting out on the road for California. i am excited to be headed to California, don't get me wrong. i cannot wait to spend time with my friends and my family and to be able to start planting myself there. but the unknown still looms over my head. for now, the unknown is - where will i lay my head at night and where will i spend my brain power during the day. 

it's scary. it really is scary. i'm almost 40 years old, and i have no fucking clue as to what i am going to do for the next 10 years, let alone 2 months. i am responsible only for my dog, to make sure she is safe and secure and happy. but she is generally perceived to be a mean vicious animal so i have to also work to persuade people to give her a chance. i am responsible for this house here in Texas, to make sure i own up to the debt i have incurred by signing my name 17 gazillion times in June 2009. but the bank is still not sure what they want to do with me, so i have to sit and wait until they are persuaded to understand my situation and accept that i do want to make good on my debt and allow me to do so. i am responsible to myself, to make sure that my mental state doesn't dip into the depths of despair. but it's hard when you send out over 30 resumes in one week (2 of them to friends) and you hear nothing back. still, i must have faith.

i must have faith and believe that this altering of my path was something that was supposed to happen to lead me to a stronger more challenging and more beneficial road. while i stand here at the crossroads having no clue as to which direction to take let along which map to look at - i must have faith that everything happens for a reason. and yes, i must retain that faith even though i am scared as hell to leap, i have to take this journey.

the two biggest questions today? 
1) do i sell the desktop and invest in a laptop so i can stay connected easily in these next steps? 
2) do i plan on taking the north trek or the south trek to get back to California?

ahhh the unknown - the questions can be so simple and sound so trivial, but the answers can shape the direction of the path you are on. it's scary. very very scary. who knows what will happen... that is why it is called the unknown.

being loved

4 years ago on Thursday i had the privilege of meeting the love of my life, Debra Jean. while our road has been very bumpy these past 4 years, i am truly appreciative of what i have today. and today is all that really matters anyways. 

i bought a house for us - which she eventually moved out of, i still own, and am way behind on my payments. but this house has taught me that money isn't everything. i have cleaned out my savings account for this house. i have learned the not so joyous joys of owning your own home. i have put up with the HOA and their ridiculous unwritten rules. i have realized that while 5 years ago my dream was to own my own home, i've accomplished that dream and i'm not so sure i want to return to owning my own home anytime in the near future.

the house is the reason i stayed in Texas. and because i stayed in Texas, i truly discovered what it means to love someone with every ounce of your being. if i had not owned this home, i would have packed the car up the first time we broke up and driven back to California. i wouldn't have started the catering business. i wouldn't have met Susie & Kathy. i wouldn't have gotten a dog. but most importantly, i never would have found the desire to rekindle what we had lost in that break-up. 

it's no secret that we broke up and my heart felt like it would never mend. it's also no secret that during one of our longer break-ups, i had another girlfriend. but after all of those heart breaking moments and through all the tears, i have come to one conclusion - Debra Jean is the only one for me. 

here i sit, about 42 days from leaving Texas. and while my heart aches at the thought of not having her right down the street from me every day, i know that the decision i have made to move is a good decision. i know this because she supports that decision. and it is with her support that i have the courage to leave this state and move closer to my family. because i know, in my heart of hearts, that no matter where i go she will always be the love of my life. and my hope is that i will always be hers, and that one day she will come and be with me in California. 

a quote i heard the other day says it all:
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. 

the end of the year...
a time for reflection. a time for goal planning. a time for closing the doors of the past year and identifying the ones to open for the next year. 

that sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?

it's new year's eve and i kind of took the day off. i should be doing the "end of the year" things like balancing the check book, paying the bills, filling papers in the office, cleaning this mayhem of an office, grocery shopping, redrawing out a budget for next year, writing down goals for next year, looking for a new house in northern california, emailing susie about her crap in my garage, figuring out if i should sell or rent this house. or i could be doing the things that i should do because i haven't done them but always wanted to do them like writing happy new year/thank you cards to the friends and families who sent me holiday cards, filling in a calendar with birthdays of my family so i can remember to send them cards this year, finishing the cross-stitch stocking i have been working on for 2 years, starting the book i want to pull together from my grandparents love letters. or i could do what i really just want to do which is to cuddle on the couch with my dog and watch a movie, preferably with a fire going in the fireplace - but that would mean i have to buy firewood since my roommate used it all on xmas day. 


the possibilities are endless. 

but you know what? the possibilities are endless EVERY day. so instead of worrying about what i am GOING to do, why don't i just do it? stop talking about it, and put my mind to it. like this. my blog. i talk about writing more but do i?

for 2013, i am going to focus on finishing the projects i have started and will start. i am going to focus on the doing of things, not just the planning of getting them done. instead of saying things like "i really want to write a book" i am just going to write a book. if it sucks, at least i wrote it, right? i didn't say it had to be a best seller. that's for 2014. 

happy new year everyone. don't forget to hug your loved ones!

short and sweet...

this one is short and sweet... just like the title. 

all i really wanted to say was i miss writing. so i am going to try to blog more. i know, i know. i say this all the time, but this time i really am going to try. i mean i work at home. i have this amazing mac laptop with this ginormous screen - i could at least tell you about that. or i could tell you about my working from home and how this is sooooo much different than my previous working from home experiences. or i could tell you what the dogs do all day while i am working from home. the possibilities are endless. 

what is not endless is my time - but i am vowing to make more time for this blog. why? because it seriously is one of the best ways for me to vent without naming names or getting into trouble. and let me tell you, this new job, whilst it is awesome and they pay 100% of my health coverage - i am dealing with some very interesting individuals. and interesting is putting it very lightly. 

with that said, i am going to post this and head to dinner. happy friday everyone. may you all enjoy the weekend and all it will bring to you. i am looking forward to the cold front that may bring snow flurries on monday! wooo hooo!!!
 

a weekend in August

August is pretty much one of my either most favorite or most hated months of the year. we are coming to the close of August so i thought a little tribute to one of my three trips this month could be a nice posting. 

my birthday is in August. and this year, instead of sitting in 100+ heat in this sticky state of Texas, I got to go back to SF. the trip was both fun and happy and poignant and sad and emotionally and physically exhausting. first i will introduce you to the poignant, sad, draining part of the trip...

i went home for my Aunt Martha's memorial. it sucked. well, no, the memorial didn't suck. the memorial was actually awesome. my mom put together an amazing party after the church part and the church part was very beautiful. the sucky part was i actually had to face up to the fact that Martha is gone. and while she has been gone for over a month, being here in Texas means i didn't have to really deal with the fact that she is gone. but being in SF brought it all home for me. and honestly - death sucks. and death that comes so suddenly (car crash for those of you that don't know) is really really on the top of the suck-o-meter. with all that said, you can see where the sad and poignant and draining parts come into the weekend.

the good part about the whole thing is the family decided to have the memorial the day AFTER my birthday. which meant that on my birthday i was able to do the following:
* Renew my California (yes, CALIFORNIA!) driver's license
* Get the grey hairs gone by my dear friend and the only person who will ever touch my hair, Emil Besson
* Whip up some tasty treats for the memorial
* Go out with my closest and dearest friends and family in SF for a lot of wine

and here we go into the happy, fun, yet physically exhaustive part of the weekend. there were 14 of us who all met up on Friday night in the Mission at a tiny little wine bar and truly enjoyed ourselves. at least i hope y'all did, because i know i did. seeing your faces on my birthday evening made this one of my best birthdays ever. i truly enjoyed your company, the conversation, the laughter, the surprises and the tremendous amount of love pouring around the table. i don't remember all of the evening, but i do remember that i didn't do anything terribly stupid. i did remember to put on my flip flops to walk to the car (instead of the heels). and i did drink the coconut water that Annie gave me before i went to bed. i think without that coconut water, i may have not been able to function as well as i did on Saturday (and i was barely functioning!)

i do hate to say it but in my old age - my liver cannot take the copious amounts of alcohol consumed between August 9th at 6pm to August 12th at 7pm. seriously. i just can't do that anymore. i used to be able to down a 12-pack without a hangover. but now, the consequences are too difficult to endure.

despite the fact that i was pretty much hungover from Saturday to Tuesday, i had an amazing weekend full of friends and family. i got to see the people whom i love most in the world (minus a couple). i got to enjoy their company and laugh and eat and i even got to catch a phenomenal Giants game. bottom line? it was an amazing trip and i wouldn't change a thing. thank you to all of you who participated, including you Martha. you would have loved every minute of it.

music for a memorial

my mom asked me to pull together a playlist for Martha's memorial this weekend. i have to say, it kind of sucks to sit here and find the right music for a memorial. i would much rather be choosing songs to play at a wedding or a birthday party, even a kid's birthday party. 

there are songs i want to put in the list but i know they are too "happy" and then there are songs where i just can't put them in there - like who wants to go to a Memorial and hear Sarah McLachlan sing "I Will Remember You." and then there is the fact that 1/2 my music collection isn't even in my i-tunes. like there is not a single Beatles song in my music list. not one. 

but i did find some really nice classical guitar for the church services which i am planning on listening to at work tomorrow. classical guitar is really beautiful and much calmer than an orchestra. there isn't any clanging symbols or brass sections. it's just nice and peaceful.

and i also discovered that i have misplaced one of my all time favorite albums - Rites of Passage by The Indigo Girls. thanks to the powers of i-tunes, i purchased it again. i think this probably marks my 5th purchase of this album. i hope Amy & Emily are thankful for repeat customers. 

needless to say, i am just dropping songs into a playlist and we can hit shuffle and see what happens. so far i have dropped 19.4 hours into the playlist. that should cover us for the hopefully 2 hours of guests. 

i did sneak in some happy stuff, FYI. like a Vampire Weekend song. and some old Paul Simon. :)

(i know this is a pretty boring post. but i promised to write more. i never said i would only write good intriguing stuff. so, every once in awhile, you will probably find a boring post about "what i did today." just go with it. or comment and complain. i don't really care.)